


honey, make me healthy

by xalias



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kidnapping, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, Major Character Injury, Mild Language, Near Death Experiences, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Team as Family, Torture, but the comfort isn't there yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 06:50:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15479997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xalias/pseuds/xalias
Summary: While attempting to form an alliance with a hostile planet, Lance is separated from the team and returned in a much worse condition than he came in... Lance isn't coping well with his brush with death, but luckily his friends are there to help stitch him back together.





	honey, make me healthy

**Author's Note:**

> This one gets pretty dark, so please take care/caution & read the tags  
> ~~  
> I didn't originally plan on posting this unfinished, but it's been sitting for so long that I need some encouragement to actually finish it haha
> 
> I also haven't combed through this yet for any errors, so pls mind them if you see them.

Lance had known something bad was going to happen from the second they arrived.

There was something about the way the inhabitants of Oyhiri had looked at them when they landed, like they were nothing but a bunch of kids with glorified toys at their disposal. Their upturned noses as they took in the lions with a sort of that's it? expression. It had been enough to fill Lance's heart with this sinking dread until it was heavy enough to drop into his stomach.

  
The Oyhirian's were a hostile species, sporting sharp horns that curled above their heads, smooth lilac skin, and pitch black eyes. They were stunning in a way that had nothing to do with their features and everything to do with the fear they instilled in you. They were not known for showing any sort of kindness to others, but rather for their ruthless hostility that had prevented any alliances being formed on their own soil for thousands of years. At least until now.

To the Oyhirian's, Zarkon was nothing but a thorn in their side. Which, in Lance's opinion, said a lot about them. They didn't see the Galra as the danger that they were, and the paladins had come, hoping to open their eyes to the threat that was staring them directly in the face. If they could get the Oyhirian's to join the Voltron Coalition, then they were adding another solid force that would solidify their chances of defeating Zarkon when it was finally time to take the fight to him.

Unfortunately, they were not being easily persuaded... They had been on this planet for what felt like an eternity and they were no closer to convincing Gagn, the leader of this planet, to join their forces. He had an argument ready for each statement they made, and it was obvious to everyone present that this negotiation was going nowhere. Lance just wanted to go. Get out of there while they still could. His heart was beating steadily against his chest, that feeling of unrest that wouldn't shake. Their confidence was unwavering in words, but in reality, it was a thin veil between uncertainty and optimism.

"With your help, our forces would grow undeniably stronger," Shiro was saying, "We would be just that much closer to being prepared to take this fight to Zarkon," Gagn seemed to consider this with a slow nod. He sat at the head of a large table where they had escorted the paladins to upon their arrival.

"But not close enough, hm?" He said with a cruel sort of twitch to his lips. Lance sucked in a breath. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. It was bad enough when he heard the civilian Oyhrian's make snide remarks about how 'underwhelming' the paladins were as they walked past, now they were getting it from their ruler...

"We're stronger in numbers. With all our forces unified it would guarantee our success. We don't want to go in there with any doubts," Shiro countered calmly, but Lance had spent enough time on these diplomatic missions to see the tight line set to Shiro's jaw, to see the slight twitch of his brow, and he knew their leader was at his breaking point just like the rest of them.

Gagn nodded again. "So you do have doubts then?" Lance rubbed his temple, and judging by the looks of his friend's face's he wasn't the only one who'd had enough. Keith was glaring so hard that Lance thought he was going to pop a vein soon. Hunk was looking at Lance with a can you believe this guy? look on his face. Pidge's face was slowly turning a deep shade of red... "Where do these doubts lie? Your fellow paladins? Lack of skill?" Gagn continued. 

"We have no doubts in any member of our team," Allura cut in sharpy, "Our paladins were chosen for a reason, and they all contribute greatly to the cause."

"All of them?" Gagn questioned, eyes moving to all of them. They landed on Lance, and Lance quickly averted his gaze. There was something unsettling about Gagn. his dark eyes seemed like they could see into the inner workings of Lance's soul and he hated every part of it. Gagn hummed a laugh, and when Lance looked up, he saw Gagn's gaze still fixed on him. He swallowed a lump rising in his throat.

Maybe Gagn was right to question the skill of the paladins... After all, they were a bunch of kids... Weren't they just kidding themselves that they would be the ones to take down Zarkon? Maybe the Oyhirian's were just seeing them for exactly what they were. 

"Yes, all of them," Allura said, pulling Lance from his throughts. "We don't have any doubts in them. We just want to be cautious. Zarkon has ruled for ten thousand years. We need to rally all the forces we can to take back what's ours."

"Well, that is something I can agree with. If you are to take down Zarkon, you will need all the help you can get," Gagn said, "I feel confident that we will be able to reach some sort of agreement." He said snapped his fingers at a few guards and made an intricate signal to them before standing. "Now please, join me in the gallery and we can draw up a contract."

Lance exchanged glances with everyone. This was the last thing he'd been expecting to hear. But still, Lance was just glad that the hard part was over. He stood, along with his teammates and made to follow Gagn out to the gallery. Lance was just a few paces behind his friends when he noticed that someone was standing very close to him. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed that three of the servants had closed in around him.

"Make one sound, and we slaughter you all right now," one of them whispered in his ear. 

"Wha-!" A hand clamped over Lance's mouth and nose, an acrid smell assaulting his nostrils. Then two more had his arms pinned against his chest as he was grabbed around the torso. He fought, twisting, and bucking to get rid of the weight of their hands. He stared at the backs of his friends, willing them silently to turn around, to see what was happening, to help him. Lance stood there, wriggling with a last attempt to break free, but the Oyhirian's held on tight, their claw-like fingernails digging in and refusing to let go no matter which way Lance twisted. Horrified, Lance saw the giant doors shut behind them, and then the world around him started to tilt and blur, until the room in front of him was nothing but a kaleidoscope of colours, fading into black.

* * *

 

Reality came back to him through a haze of puzzle pieces. He was aware first of the cold ground pressed against his check, second was the throbbing pain in his head.

Lance sat up with a groan. He pressed his palms into his eyes and rubbed, trying to smudge the fog away from his brain.

  
He was in some sort of dark circular chamber. The only light coming from the torches that lined the entirety of the room. It was empty save for Lance, and the three servants where were now acting as his guards, blocking the door.

They were armed, he could see that now. Each of them was carrying a sword on their hips, and bows with arrows across their shoulders. Lance got the message loud and clear; Try anything, and you're dead.

"How long are you going to keep me here? Lance asked them.

"Until Daegn gets here."

"When'll that be?" Lance asked.

"Don't know,"

"Well, whose Daegn?"

The guard huffed laugh. "Kid, you wish you would never know..." Lance frowned.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

Lance didn't get a response. There was an intricate knock on the door, and then someone was coming inside. A figure appeared in front of him Lance swallowed as he took in the startling features of the Oyhirian in front of him. At once it was obvious that this must have been Daegn. He was taller than the others, with twisting horns that curled upwards and out to the sides. His eyes were small and beady, but no less deep than the others.

"On your feet," he said. His voice was thick and raspy, coated with years of something Lance only wished he wouldn't find out. Lance frowned at him, but didn't move.

"Listen, man-." A kick to the stomach had his words being lost with his breath. He rolled over, tucking into himself.

"On, your feet." Daegn snapped again, and this time Lance obeyed, scrambling up on unsteady feet. He swayed a bit, struggling to catch his balance. This man's eyes seemed to dig into him just as Gagn's had, only this time, Lance felt completely exposed. This time, he actually thought Daegn might have been able to see into his soul. He hummed, as he looked over him, a quirk to his lips, that made Lance feel like he was no bigger than an ant. Daegn knew Lance was a paladin, but that fact didn't seem to instill any more of fear or respect. 

"Hello, Lance." He said. He took a step forward and Lance felt him standing directly in front of him, towering at least two feet over him. Lance opened his mouth to say something, but the words died with the fear that over took him. He wasn't sure what is was, but something about this man had his mind screaming danger. He needed to get out of there. He needed to find his friends.

"I said," Daegn sneered, "hello."

Lance opened his mouth, his gaze falling to the floor, and managed a quiet, "Hello,"

"I'm not sure of your customs, but here, it's impolite not to look at someone when they're speaking to you, so let's try this again," Daegn reached forward and took Lance's chin in his hand, and twisted his neck painfull forward until he was facing Daegn.

"Hello," Lance said again. Fear was a living thing trapped inside his body. It pulsed through his bones, sending a chill down his spine, into his legs, until his whole body was shaking with a panic filled tremor. His fingers wouldn't still, and he could feel his legs starting to give out on him.

"It's a start," Daegn bit out.

He tucked his arms behind his back and stalked around Lance in a slow circle.

"I'm afraid I have so bad news," He said, "Your comrades are being, less agreeable than we'd like them to be. You may be wondering why this is bad for you, well, it's because the more difficult they make this for us,-" Daegn's hand came down on him so fast, Lance didn't even have time to brace himself for the impact. He fell to the ground with a yelp. His chin hit the hard ground and he felt a sharp pain explode through his mouth as his teeth tore through his bottom lip and with it, the taste of blood rose in his mouth. Lance held it in his mouth until it was too much and he had no choice but to spit it out onto the ground. He blinked in horror at the amount that spattered on the concrete. "-the more difficult this is going to be for you."

Lance made a noise of protest, but then he was hoisted back up by the collar of his shirt, and Daegn thrust him back against the wall, keeping him pinned there. Daegn looked at the tear in Lance's lip and made a sort of amused sound.

"Would you look at that. You humans are so fragile. I could take you apart with one finger, what do you think about that?"  

“I think fuck you.” Lance spat, peppering Daegn's face with his blood.

He huffed a sort of humorlessly laugh, dragging a hand over his face to wipe it away. “Your spirits are still high. Don’t worry. We’ll crush them soon enough.” 

Daegn lifted him a few inches off the ground, and then slammed him back into the wall, knocking his head back into it. And then he did it again, and again, and until Lance was seeing stars. Daegn let him crumple down to the ground, and Lance forced his vision to clear, forced himself to move before Daegn could do anything that really got him stuck. Lance needed to do something now. He needed to get out of there, get to his friends, and then get off this planet.

Lance reached forward and started to push himself back onto his feet, but then something was colliding with his ribs. He fell down onto his stomach, and it drew the air from his lungs. He stared wide-eyed at a distant point on the ground, as he tried to get his breath back. The pain seemed to move out in a tingling sensation, reaching every point in his chest.

He couldn't let it stop him. He wasn't going to let it stop him. He pushed himself across the ground, reaching out with a hand towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Daegn asked, tutting his tongue.

He stomped on Lance's fingers and Lance felt every snap of his knuckles as the sole of Daegn's heel crushed them. Lance couldn't help the scream the escaped past his lips. He tried to pull his hand away, but Daegn didn’t move his foot. Lance was pinned there, and each twist of Daegn's foot sent searing pain through Lance's arm until dark spots were dancing in the corners of his vision, and Lance was sure he was going to pass out. 

“Maybe I should just slit the tendons in your legs... let’s see you try to run after that, hm?” Daegn finally released Lance, and he ripped his hand away, and rolled on to his back. He felt every pull and protest of his ribs and he cradled his broken fingers over his chest. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to steady his breathing.

Daegn scooped Lance up with a fist full of his shirt.

"Remember who's in charge here." He spat, and the released Lance so that he was supporting his own weight, but his legs wouldn't cooperate. They couldn't take his weight, the pain to overwhelming for him to focus any energy into standing.

Lance's reflexes betrayed him as he attempted to catch himself before he hit the ground. His hand crumpled beneath him and he yelled out again. He felt sick with pain, the nausea was creeping it's way up his throat, felt the slickness coating his mouth, he swallowed it away, forcing it back down.

  
"Why are you doing this?" Lance choked out.

"Why would we back the losing side of the war?" Daegn countered, "Zarkon is the stronger ally here."

"We're not going to lose," Lance said desperately, "We won't. We can't!"

"Can't and won't are two very different options." Daegn pointed out.

Lance made a noise of desperation as he forced himself up into a sitting position. Daegn regarded him with a cool smile, almost like he had been expecting this.

"You can't do this," Lance said, breathing heavily, "If you do, my friends never agree to your terms,"

“Oh, I don’t know about that. They seem very concerned right now. In fact, I think if we just kill you they might be even more agreeable, but why rush the inevitable?” Daegn said.

"No..." Lance said, shaking his head.

Daegn drew his weapon. It was spear-like with a long metallic post, with a pointed end that glistened in the shimmer of the torches. Then, he moved to strike Lance. Lance, barely got out of the way in time, skittering back to avoid being impaled.

"I think those legs will definitely have to go. Then maybe we'll skin you alive. If we do it right, you may even last all night."

"No..." Lance said again. He moved himself backwards again just as Daegn moved to strike. Daegn looked down on him, face contorted with hot fury. "If you don't stay still, I will take those pretty eyes of yours too." He snapped.

"Please, no-."

"Plotac, hold him down," Daegn ordered, and one of the guards moved to restrain Lance. He reached down, forcing Lance back up, and Lance struggled to get his legs back under him.

"We'll start at the ankles and move our way up, let's see how fast you can move when we immobilize you," Daegn said cruelly.

A scream threatened to rip Lance's throat apart, but he knew if he let it out now, he would never be able to stop it. His entire body was on fire with pain, it throbbed and stung with each ragged breath that he sucked into his lungs.

"Please, just let me go," Lance begged again, "I'm not-." worth this...

Then there was a sound of rusting outside, loud enough to drag Daegn's attention away from Lance, and he took that opportunity. He backed himself and the guard holding him into the wall, until  
Platoc's arms let him go, and then rushed Daegn, shoving his shoulder into his chest. Daegn's pear clattered to the ground and Lance's went to punch him, but he recovered quicker than Lance had expected and grabbed his arm mid-swing. Daegn shoved him back to the ground, and then there was something sharp against Lance's neck.

"I think you have caused me enough strife, this ends. Now." Daegn raised the blade and shoved it down. Lance felt the sharp puncture as it slipped between his ribs, and the force of the impact had him spiraling into the ground.

And then Daegn was leaving, and Lance was alone in that dark room. His head was fogged with the focus of his throbbing pain. His skin was thick with a slick coat of his own blood. Pain had lit his body on fire. It traveled and throbbed through his body like it had its own heartbeat. With each breath, the agony begged him to stop, to give in to exhaustion, to accept his fate and slip away quietly. The harder Lance clung to consciousness, the more welcoming the idea of death became. He could hear yelling in the distance, something that sounded somewhat familiar to his ears. It wasn't until Shiro was crouched over top of him, screaming, that Lance realized the sound was his own name.

* * *

 

Lance wasn't lucky enough to stay unconscious until they got him back to the ship. He awoke to the agonizing pain of being carried on board the red lion.

"Lance, oh god. Lance," Hunk said as he realized his friend was alive, and awake. AS they set him down, Lance couldn't help the cry that escaped his lips or the tears that burned against his eyes. He just wanted the pain to stop. He just wanted it to end. He would've given anything for his broken body to release him from its agony.

"You're going to be okay," Shiro told him sternly like it was an order and not words of comfort, but his voice was hoarse and angry, and he wouldn't look Lance in the eye. "Nobody is dying today."

"It hurts," Lance said, or at least, he thought he did. His friends didn't respond, and Lance thought to them it must have sounded like a sort of strangled sob so Lance tried again, "It hurts so much."

"Lance, don't try to talk right now. Save your strength." Keith said sharply, and he tightened a strap around his shoulder that kept him steady.

Lance wasn't sure what strength Keith was talking about, because he could barely lift his head up without feeling like he was going to pass out.

"Lance, listen to me, the red lion is the fastest. Keith is going to get you back to the castle and into a pod in no time. Just hang on a little bit longer, can you do that for me?" Shiro said, pressing down on his shoulders, and Lance didn't have the heart to tell him that the pressure hurt, that it was sending lightning bolts down his spine.

"Shiro, We gotta go!" Keith yelled.

"Right," Shiro said back, but he hovered over Lance for another second before rushing out with Hunk reluctantly following him out.

  
And then they were moving. Lance felt his insides stir at the movement, felt nausea working it's way up his throat, but the last thing he wanted to do was throw up. He could feel his legs growing numb, the cold working it's way up his body until the pain was dulling into a dull ache, which somehow, was so much worse.

"Coran, I need a pod ready, ASAP! I'm bringing Lance in!" Keith yelled, then he was jumping up out of his seat and rushing to Lance. He snapped through the restraints pressed tightly around Lance's body, and he carefully grabbed Lance around the waist, sending a rush of pain through his body. Lance jolted, trying to get away.

"Please, let me help you!" Keith pleaded, an edge of desperation to his voice, "I'm trying to save your life!"

"I'm sorry," Lance said, but his tongue wasn't quite working, his voice sounded like mush, even to his own ears, and he knew he was close to the edge. Any minute he could tilt over to the other side, and be gone. Lance was so, so scared, but he couldn't move, and he couldn't talk, and he couldn't do anything except let Keith carry him through the ship, hoping to god that he would make it in time, praying that each breath wasn't going to be his last.

  
With each step, Lance jolted, the pain setting jolts of fire through his body until his vision was swimming with white, and Lance thought about how easy it would be to let it consume him, how simple it would be to die. Leaving this world meant leaving his pain, and if the agony would stop along with his heart, then Lance thought that was a pretty good trade.

Death had a firm grip on his heart, but Keith's might've been stronger...

Coran was ready for him, and before Lance could give in to his torment, he was thrust up inside the cold air of the pod. It closed in around him, filling up his lungs with life, and the light faded away into darkness.

* * *

 

Waking up was harder than it should have been.

As Lance was released from the cryo-pod, his eyes were heavy set against his lids. The light around him seemed too bright, and the fog in his mind too thick for him to be awake.

He was used to waking up feeling instantly better, but there was a pulse behind his lids that warned of a migraine and a block in his throat that was keeping his voice quiet.

"Lance, how are you feeling?" Shiro asked him. He reached out to help Lance down, and into a chair that they had ready. Pidge was quick to move once Lance was seated, draping a thick blanket around his shoulders that instantly locked some of the heat in around him.

"I'm fine," Lance said. It was like the words had come out automatically, without Lance even having time to process how he actually felt.

He flexed the fingers in his hand and was surprised not to feel the protest of broken bones. Daegn had shattered them in less than a second, but now they seemed brand new.

Lance looked up, and for the first time, he saw the aftermath of whatever had happened to his friends. Shiro's eyes were deep with shadows, and he had bruises along his jaw that were now a sickly shade of yellow. Hunk hadn't gotten out unscathed either, his lip was swollen, and had a large crack down the side. He noted Keith’s bruised eyes, and his swollen nose, Allura's darkened knuckles, and Pidge's red-rimmed eyes. Even Coran looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, with heavy bags, and pale skin.

"What happened to you guys?" Lance asked.

"What happened to us-. Nothing compared to you." Keith said bluntly.

"I'm sorry," Lance said softly. He never wanted anyone to get hurt because of him.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Shiro told him.

"I shouldn't have let them take me so easily, then you all wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"This isn't your fault, Lance." Shiro said, "Besides, these are all minor compared to-." His voice trailed off shaking, and Lance looked over at their leader. Shiro was smiling in a way that seemed forced, and Lance realized at once at how worried he looked. "Well, I'm just glad you decided to hang on until the end."

Lance looked away. He didn't know what to say to that. Not when the last thing he remembered thinking was how easy it would have been to give in to the pain, at how peaceful it would've been to slip away from the complications of war... He laughed a bit, a sound that was choked and void of any humor at all.

"Yeah," He said, forcing a smile, "You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?"

  
At Lance's words, something shifted in the room, and the weight became lighter. Hunk was hugging him without seconds, making him promise to never scare him like that again. Pidge also joined up in the hug, threatening to kill him if we ever died, and soon everyone was in there with their own statement, holding Lance to keep promises that he couldn't possibly keep.

* * *

 

Lance couldn't sleep that night. There was a small voice in his mind like a wasp, buzzing around keeping him on edge.

Lance was alive. He had survived this whole ordeal. He was healed. He was fine... Wasn't he? 

The small ugly voice in the back of his head told him otherwise. It was keen on not letting him forget just how close his brush with death was and just how easy it would be to let go now.

One small misstep could enter Lance into a world of pain and he'd be right back to where he was on the brink, only maybe the next time, he'd give in before someone could get him into a pod.

Lance knew he couldn't let this eat away at him. If he did, he was putting the team at risk, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. But still, he couldn't get Daegn out of his head. He couldn't shake the feelings of doubt and depression that had snaked their way into his mind, past all of his defenses. Lance felt like he was falling without a parachute, and nobody was there to catch him.

Lance tried to push the thoughts to the back of his mind. Dying was not an option, no matter how likely that outcome seemed to be. He was a paladin. They needed him... Right?

* * *

 

Lance didn't want to get out of the shower. He thought that if he stayed in there long enough he would disappear through the drain with the hot water dripping down his skin. As soon as he stepped out he had to start being a person again, had to start being a paladin again.

He wasn't quite ready to face the reality of war yet. Some part of being on the brink of death, and then being lurched away from it was so disorienting that Lance felt cheated somehow.

He didn't have any of the scars to prove his near brush with death, the healing pod made sure of that. But Lance knew where they'd be if not for the healing of the pods. He trailed his finger along his lip, along his ribs... His unseemingly marked skin was smooth to the touch. 

Some painful part of his past was suddenly bubbling to the surface. A part of him that he thought he left behind years ago. He remembered the sting of fresh scars under the heat of the rushing water, but that old familiar rush of pain didn't come, and he knew he shouldn't have missed it.

Lance turned the water off and stepped out of the shower stall. The rush of cold air chilled his bones before he wrapped a towel tightly around himself. The plush material sucking in the warm left on his skin.

He blew out a slow breath. He was okay. Today was a new day, and everything was going to be fine. Nobody was dying today. He heard Shiro's words loud and clear repeating in his head.

Lance dressed in his casual wear, and then deposited his dirty towels in the hamper of the washing room.

Walking down the corridor, he wasn't sure where he was headed. He thought maybe he'd look for Hunk in the kitchen first, and if he wasn't there, he'd try to find Pidge. If all failed after that he'd find Coran and let him ramble about his old Altean tales for a few hours.

Lance couldn't be alone right now. Years of practice had helped Lance recognize his own warning signs, and he couldn't self-destruct right now, no matter how easy it would be, no matter how tempting it was.

Being alone meant being with his mind, and Lance's mind was not always the best company when bad things happened. He would panic, overthink, and repeat until he had spiraled himself down a hole that he had no way of getting himself out of.

He couldn't let that happened, because that would mean his friends would know. They'd find out about the depression that sometimes returned during the hard times, and they'd feel sorry for him. They'd look at him like he was made of glass, like the slightest touch could shatter him completely and Lance couldn't think of anything worse than that.

They wouldn't have to pull him out of his well if Lance never started digging it. So Lance snapped his shovel in two, shoved his hands in his pockets, and continued down the hall.

Lance had almost made it to the kitchen when Allura's voice was over the coms summoning all of them to the control room. Lance felt his heart sink as he broke into a run. He hadn't been ready to do this yet. He had needed just a day to process what had happened, to have been a teenager again... But the universe apparently hadn't gotten that memo, and Lance couldn't be selfish about this. Not when there were people depending on him.

He arrived in the control room with the rest of the team. Coran and Allura had some map pulled up, and the rest of the team had crowded around them.

"What's going on?" Lance asked.

"A Galrian ship is in range. It's headed our way," Allura said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

Lance frowned, looking at the screen. It most likely wasn't Zarkon himself, just one of his fleets that thought they could defeat Voltron. Despite the many times they'd battled the Galra, Zarkon didn't seem to be getting the memo.

"Well, let's suit up, team." Shiro said, "Let's take them out before they know what hit them."

Lance rushed down to his lion. As he grabbed onto the zip line he felt his fingers tingling. This was something he could handle. Being with blue always made him feel better, and as long as he was with her, and with his team, he would be fine. Blue wouldn't let anything bad happen to him again.

As he slid into the pilot's chair, he felt a warm vibration at the back of his mind.

"Heya, beautiful." Lance said cheerfully, "Miss me?" He took the controls in his hands and pushed her forward. "Let's go get 'em!"

That was easier said than done. Two minutes into the fight and the all too familiar feeling of being in a losing battle was creeping it's way to the surface.

Lance nose-dived, trying to avoid the two fighters that had been tailing him. He pulled up with a yell, feeling the restraints of gravity as he struggled to keep blue flying straight.

"Lance! Watch your left!"

Lance was barely able to avoid the fighters that had come to replace the two he'd just gotten rid of. He ground his teeth together and he maneuvered around them. He could hear the blood rushing through his veins in a steady thump.

"I'm getting a little tired of playing tag here!" Pidge complained.

"She's right.." Shiro panted, "Let's form Voltron!"

Lance felt that familiar tug at the back of his mind. He let Blue take over, flying over towards the rest of the team, he opened his mind to the others, allowed them inside, but not too far inside. Lance wouldn't allow them to see the creep of doubt that lingered in his mind, the small voice that hadn't left him alone since they arrived on Oyhiri, despite them being thousands and thousands of miles away.

  
Once they were fighting as one unit, the battle took a turn in their favour. The fighters diminished one after another until they were able to concentrate on the fleet itself.

"Let's finish this!" Shiro yelled. And Voltron took off, sword in hand, and shield in the other as they blasted towards the ship.

Lance watched the ion canon firing up, the blast locked onto them. He swallowed the lump rising in his throat. He felt the trickle of sweat dripping down the back of his neck, could feel that uncomfortable warmth that had him shivering in his seat. And then there was a sharp crack. Lance's mind surged and tumbled as they were forced apart by some unseen force.

With a yelp, Lance was floating away. Blue wasn't responding to his commands. It was like she just went cold. Did I cause that? Lance wondered.

"What was that?" Keith demanded.

"Why were we split apart?!" Hunk asked after him.

"Lance! Look out!" Pidge yelled, Lance looked out and saw the ion cannon ready to blast and he was directly in front of it.

And then he wondered just what would happen if he took his hands off the controls, and did nothing. Or if he closed his eyes and allowed himself to be hit by the blast. He silently debated with himself whether it'd be a fatal injury, or if blue would somehow take over and save them both. He could imagine his teammate's reactions. All wondering what had happened, if he'd passed out, or just lost his mind... Lance huffed a humorless laugh. He could hear them shouting,

"Lance! MOVE!"

Pidge's voice brought him back from the edge.

He barrow rolled forward, out of the trajectory of the ion cannon. He was panting, eye's wide with realization. He had almost just gotten himself blown up. And nobody was saying anything.

  
"Let's get out of here. Allura, ready a wormhole!" Shiro said, breaking the silence. And he could hear the way his voice was shaking.

 

Lance returned to the hanger a shaking mess. He didn't know what had come over him, he didn't know why, but he had a suspicion that he was responsible for causing Voltron to break apart. He'd put his friends in danger in the heat of battle, and quite literally almost got himself killed.

He stepped out of his lion, struggling to get his helmet off with shaky fingers.

"Lance? Are you alright? What happened back there?" Shiro asked, rushing over to him. Lance shook his head, at a loss for words. He couldn't look at him in the eye. Not when they'd had to abandon the fight because of him.

"I-I don't know. I couldn't move."

Shiro frowned, eyeing the Blue lion. "Your lion wasn't responding? Did you take a hit? Maybe something's wrong." I'm what's wrong. Lance thought and then threw it away. He was fine. This was a fluke. He froze. It wouldn't happen again.

"I don't know," Lance said desperately, "I don't know what happened."

Shiro put a hand on his shoulder and offered him a small smile.

"It's okay. We'll get Coran to take a look," Shiro said, "Get some rest, you look like you could use it."

Lance smiled back at him and nodded, but he didn't miss the frown on the rest of the team's faces, and he certainly, didn't miss the feeling of all of their eyes trailing him on the way out.

* * *

 

Lance had thought his paranoia was something that he would be able to sleep away. But as it turns out, in order to do that, you actually had to sleep.

He couldn't remember the last time he slept through the night, and he was finally starting to notice the effects it was having. He was more irritable during the days and had lost his appetite. He felt like a shadow of himself. Like he was there, but not quite.

But nobody seemed to have noticed any change in his behavior. Despite Lance's growing suspicion that they all knew something was off about him, not once did anyone mention the dark circles underneath his eyes or his lack of jokes at meal times... They didn't even notice that he'd had been spending more time alone with the space mice than anyone he could have a real conversation with.

He thought that might've been for the best. They weren't worried about him, so he wasn't some burden that they all had to carry, besides, Lance was fine. He was just overreacting. He had been having a bad week, that's all. Soon he would be sleeping again, and he'd be back to his normal self. Lance was fine. And if he wasn't, he would be. Because there was nothing wrong with him, nothing for him to be paranoid or upset about. 

 

* * *

 

Hunk was the first one to notice a change in Lance.

It had happened after a hard mission, where they went down swinging sure, but they had gone down hard.

He had been running through a heavily forested area trying to rendezvous back to the team and had decided to take a shortcut. Lance was in his head more than he was in the real world and didn't notice to tree roots that had tangled his feet up. He tripped over himself, landing headfirst down a short drop into a stream. The pain throbbed at his temples. Lance watched the water run red as his blood was quickly swept downstream.

"Oh... no." Lance mumbled, forgetting the lines of open communications on their helmets. He felt something warm and wet traveling down his face until it was getting in his eyes, making him see red. He frantically wiped the blood away.

"What's wrong?" Shiro asked instantly, but his words sounded like he was underwater, and there was a static to the sound that had never been there before, and Lance was starting to think he really messed up this time.

"I'm-" Dizzy. Is what he wanted to say, but the world spun out from under him and he was tilting. Lance struggled to get himself out of the stream, and the next thing he knew he was falling over into the freezing water again. The rocks swiped at his hands, cutting holes in his flight suit.

It had all happened so fast he wasn't even sure how he'd managed to get hurt. He silently cursed himself for being so distracted, for letting himself get hurt again. But that had been happening a lot lately...

Ever since the incident on Oyhiri, Lance had had trouble focusing on missions. He was always watching where he shouldn't have been, or internally panicking over his own well-being when he should have been focusing on rescuing others.

"-ance! Tal- me! What's -ng -?" Shiro's voice frantically cut into Lance's thoughts. But how was Lance supposed to answer if he couldn't understand what he was saying? Could they even hear Lance if he tried to answer?

Lance tried to pry his helmet off his head, but with each pull, it sent tingles of pain through his body, and he thought it might have been better to leave it.

He didn't know what to do. His head felt like sludge, and this was now the second time that he had messed up while on an important mission. He needed to get it together before the others started questioning his place on the team. If he couldn't get over himself then he had no business trying to save the universe.

  
"He's here!"

Those words weren't clouded at all, they sounded closer too. Lance barely had time to process the hands helping him up as they turned him over into a sitting position on the grass. Hunk was then kneeling in front of him, he removed Lance's helmet for him, and set it aside, them began examing the damage Lance had done.

"Jeez. How did you manage this, man?" He asked. Lance shrugged.

"I don't know," He responded, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay... There's just a lot of blood." He said examing him. "What happened?"

"I fell," Lance said plainly. But his voice sounded strange, distant, like he was hearing it through a telephone, and not through his own ears.

"He said he fell, his helmet is busted up too." Hunk reported to the others, concern coating his words. "What should I do?.... Copy."

Hunk turned his attention back to Lance and hoisted him up. "Alright, I'm going to get you back to the castle, just hang on."

"I'm okay," Lance replied. "I can walk," He didn't like the way the words seemed to echo around his head, or the way Hunk looked sick to his stomach. He pulled himself away from Hunk's hands, but then he was swaying slightly, the dizziness really taking hold.

"Are you sure about that?" Hunk said lightly, "Just, let me help you. Okay, buddy?" Hunk hooked Lance around the waist tightly, and Lance nodded.

"Okay."

 

When they got back to the castle, Coran cleaned him up and made him go in a cryo-pod for a varga just in case he had done any real damage to his brain, though, he hadn't seemed that concerned.

When Lance emerged later that day, everyone had been there to see him.

"Whoa, it's like deja vu," Lance said, with a small smile. He hated that he had made his friends worry about him again.

"That's not funny, Lance." Pidge pointed out, but she was smiling at him. she leaned over and gave him a one-armed hug. "Be careful, yeah?"

Lance nodded. "Promise." with an exaggerated yawn, Lance moved to go back to his room. "I'm going to rest a little, the pods always take it out of me..." He took a few steps before Hunk called him back.

"You sure you're okay, man?" Hunk asked carefully. Lance put on a smile like he always did and nodded.

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?" He asked.

"Just, you've... been kinda distant lately. If something's going on, you can come to me. you know that right?"

Lance felt his heart jolt at his words. He looked around the room. Everyone was staring at him with this sort of sad expression as if they'd talked about this already, and elected Hunk to be the one to bring it up...

"Yeah, Hunk. I know."

A weight seemed to have been lifted off Hunk's shoulders. He smiled, letting out a small breath and nodded. "Good. Get some rest."

Lance smiled but as soon as the door shut behind him it disappeared from his face. He wasn't sure when it had become so easy to lie directly to his friend's faces, especially when they only wanted to help him. But he'd just crossed that line, and deep down he knew he could never go back.

It was just like that, Lance had taken a step into the very whole he was trying to avoid. He didn't want this to be a problem. He didn't want to be a problem. He could handle this. Everything was fine. 

* * *

 

  
Sleep was becoming something of a stranger to Lance. He spent most of his nights curled up in bed with his eyes closed, drifting somewhere between consciousness and dreaming. Images moved behind his lids in blurs of motion, but he could never get the rest he needed.

Lance peeled his sleep mask off of his face and squinted into the darkness of his room. The room was illuminated by a single torch that was hanging on the wall. Lance frowned at it. He didn't remember it being there before.

"Hello, Lance."

Lance jumped at the voice. He turned, and standing directly in front of him was Daegn. He was at least ten feet tall, looming over Lance with a wild smile stretched across his face, sharp fangs protruding through his cheeks.

Lance screamed, lurching forward into the darkness.

He couldn't see. He couldn't hear. He flailed around, trying to get the sheets away from his skin, to try to get away from Daegn. But then he was hearing music, the sweet sound of a violin humming a soft melody. Lance paused, he reached up, peeling the headphones from his head, and then his sleeping mask.

Lance's heart was beating so hard in his chest that he thought he might have had a heart attack. His skin was drenched in sweat, but he felt freezing cold all over. He blew out short breathes, sucking in large amounts of air that didn't seem to want to go into his lungs. He inhaled sharply and choked on a sob. He stuffed his fist to his lips, trying to break off the noise. The dream hadn't made sense, he'd recognized that it was strange, but he couldn't shake the image of Daegn standing over him again. Not again, because once was enough, and last time, last time, Lance had barely made it out alive.

A knock on the door, had his heart picking up the pace, and then the door was opening, and there was a tall figure in the doorway. Lance pushed himself back onto his bed, putting more distance between him and whoever this was.

"Lance?" Shiro asked, "Are you alright? I heard you scream."

Lance couldn't speak. His throat felt raw and dry, and he still couldn't breathe.

Shiro must have recognized the panic on Lance's face because he was next to him in a second, one hand was placed firmly over Lance's chest, and the other was rubbing small gentle circles into his back.

"Breath in with me," Shiro said, then inhaled a large exaggerated breath. Lance tried to follow suit, but his breath had turned shaky and sputtered back out of his mouth before it was meant to. "Again," Shiro instructed in a soft voice, and Lance tried again.

He wasn't really sure how long they stayed there. Breathing long breathes until Lance knew he wasn't going to suffocate.

Shiro smiled softly at him and nodded when he was satisfied that Lance's initial panic was gone.

"See? You're okay." Shiro told him, then removed the palm over his chest, but he continued to rub Lance's back.

"I'm sorry," Lance said. His voice sounded so small and shaky, that he hardly recognized it as his own, but Shiro didn't even flinch.

"It's okay. These things happen." Shiro told him with an understanding smile.

"I just-. I got scared." Lance said, Shiro nodded but didn't question him, and Lance knew he wouldn't. If Lance didn't want to talk about it, Shiro wouldn't push him, but he also wouldn't leave Lance alone until he knew that he was alright.

"We all do sometimes," Shiro told him. "There's nothing wrong with that."

But Lance doesn't know how to make Shiro understand that it's not the type of fear that you get over, but the kind that lingers until it eats you alive. Besides, even if Shiro understood the nightmares and the terror of staring death directly in the face, he didn't know what it was like to be there, waiting to tilt over to one side and be more afraid to live than to die. He didn't know what it was like want to give in to pain if it meant never feeling it again.

Lance's injuries had healed without leaving any trace behind. But it didn't make the memory of his pain any less vivid in his mind. Lance found himself staring at the places on his body that should have been bruised, at the places that should have been scarred. Something about it didn't seem right. Sometime about it made Lance feel like what he experienced wasn't worth the anguish he felt.

But still, Lance found himself nodding, and with each unsaid word, he felt himself sinking into that hole deeper and deeper. Shiro could help you. He wouldn't judge you. Lance told himself. But he's worried about you enough. Don't burden him anymore.

And so Lance didn't.

"I think I'm okay now," Lance said, and it had never felt farther than the truth.

"Yeah?" Shiro asked, slowing his circles and removing his hand. "Good. Listen, don't hesitate to come to me with anything. Hunk told you we were there for you, and we all mean that, Lance. We're a team. We're family."

Lance nodded, a small smile trying to form on the ends of his lips. "I know."

So why didn't he believe it?

* * *

 

The Galra kept coming.

They rushed inside in waves, guns blaring, sending laser blasts in every direction. Lance took them out; one by one, not watching long enough to see them hit the floor. He was perched along some rafters, high above where his friends fought on the ground. His rifle aimed as he scanned around to see where his help was needed. He tried to focus on the task at hand, focused on keeping his team safe, focused on the targets who wouldn't hesitate to kill them. He did not focus on the way his hands were shaking or to the dull ache behind his eyes. The door opened again, and Lance was shooting before the Galra could make it one step into the room.  

This is what Lance would have imagined an ambush to be like, though technically, they had already known how heavily guarded this base would be, though a computer screen didn't compare to the reality, seeing the soldiers attacking was different than seeing a floating icon on a screen. Lance threw the thoughts away as he just barely made it in time before Pidge was hit from behind. He let out a shaky breath, murmuring a sound of recognition as she thanked him over the coms. 

"Lance, we need your help down here!" Shiro said and Lance felt his heart drop into his stomach. He felt better to have been fighting from above. If he wasn't in range, he couldn't get hurt, but he could still do his job. Lance swallowed heavily, taking aim at the Galra bots.

"Lance! Now!" Shiro prodded.

"Okay!" Lance said hastily. He jumped up from his stomach and hooked his bayard to his side and he carefully climbed down from his spot to avoid detection.

Lance had one foot on the ground when he was suddenly tackled down to the ground.

"Do you not watch your own back?!" Keith demanded, rolling off of Lance and over to his side. "You almost just got yourself killed!"

Lance blinked in surprise. Keith looked livid beneath his helmet, eyes frantic and blazing fire right into Lance's face.

"I didn't see-." Lance stammered. He hadn't even looked to make sure nobody had spotted him on his way down, hadn't even though to check for his own safety. Lance had only wanted to get on the ground as fast as possible as Shiro had requested. Keith studied him a moment longer, before pulling Lance up. Lance felt a twist in his side and hissed, he must have hit the ground harder than he thought...

Lance and Keith were pinned down. Keith had pushed him behind a large crate that they were able to use as a shield, but it wouldn't hold forever.

"We gotta do something!" Keith said, risking a glance over the top of the crate, only to duck back down with an agitated groan. Lance peeked over the side and saw the formation of guards closing in towards them. He looked up, eyeing the banister that was positioned overtop of them, making note of the support cables keeping it in place. Lance lifted his bayard up, and it transformed back into his gun, but Keith put a hand to his wrist stopping him.

"What are you going to do? Close your eyes and shoot? There are too many of them for you to handle on your own." He said sternly.

"No," Lance said with a glare. He tugged Keith closer and pointed up at the banister that Lance had been perched on. "I'm going to shoot it down and crush them. Then we'll be able to get out of here, and help the others."

Keith opened his mouth, but no words came out. With an amused sort of laugh, he looked over to Lance and nodded.

"Good thinking," he said with a nod. Lance pressed his lips together and nodded back.

He took aim, blew out a slow breath, and fired. He kept his finger pressed over the trigger, until the large walkway was swaying to one side, Lance pivoted himself, shooting at the other end, until the cables came loose and it was coming down, crushing a good majority of the sentries that had them cornered.

"Come on!" Lance said, he grabbed Keith, forcing him up, "Cover me," Lance ordered. Keith brought up his shield and moved through the unfallen sentries. Lance fired quickly, and quietly. He didn't tell Keith what he was planning to do, but he didn't need to, Keith seemed to know what he was getting at.

"Pidge!" Lance called, "You need to shut down the sentries controls! There're too many of them!"

"Yeah, I know!" She called back, a twinge of annoyance in her words. Lance felt a ting in his side. He clenched his jaw, of course she knew... "Get me over to the control panel, and I'm on it!"

"You heard her, let's get in tight formation, cover each other!" Shiro said.

Lance moved, pulling his shield down only long enough to move faster. His chest heaved with exhaustion and excision, but he refused to slow down.

Lance took up position next to Pidge, bringing up his shield up again to barricade them in. The sentries shots continued, and the closer they got, the more Lance struggled to stay upright. The pressure from the Lazer fire was backing him up until he was pressed tightly against his teammates.

"Come on, Pidge!" Keith bit out.

"One more tic-!" She hissed, "and-. Got it!"

All at once the sentries clattered to the ground. Lance brought his shield down and let out a breath. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that he could hear the blood rushing in his ears, the steady thump that reminded him that he was alive.

"Come on," Shiro said, breathing just as heavily as Lance was, "Let's get back to the ship,"

* * *

  
Allura was there to greet them when they returned.

"Good work," Allura said with a smile, "At this rate, we'll be taking the fight to Zarkon is no time." Her eyes landed on Lance and her smile fell completely. Lance felt the surge of his heart dropping at the sight of it, but before he could even wonder why she was frowning, Allura was rushing over. "Lance, you're bleeding!"

Lance looked down to see a stretch of torn fabric coated in blood. He made a noise in the back of his throat, having just noticed the large wound in his side.

"I am," He agreed halfheartedly.

Now that Lance was aware of his wound, his adrenaline was crashing and he felt the pain of it all. What had been nothing more than a pull in his side now felt like the giant tear that it was, and then Lance's legs were giving out on him, and he felt himself sinking to the ground.

"Ah, no you don't-" Allura said hoisting him back up. "Let's get you to the infirmary."

  
Coran had been able to deduce that his wound had come from stray laser fire almost instantly. All he needed was some stitches and a good nights rest.

"I've never had stitches before," Lance said quietly.

"It's not big deal," Coran said, overly cheery. "I'll just sew you back up, good as new! Here." He handed Lance a small cup of a pink liquid that Lance drank. It burned going down and left Lance choking on the bitterness of it.

"What was that?" He asked.

"Just some anesthesia. It'll numb you up so you won't feel a thing."

Somehow, that didn't make Lance feel better.

  
"Why didn't you tell anyone you got shot?!" Keith asked. His brows were nit tightly together, and he wouldn't look Lance in the eyes. And despite everything about his screaming anger, Lance thought that he was actually worried about him.

"I didn't know."

"You didn't know," Pidge said slowly, "that you were shot."

"Didn't feel it." Lance said, then considered, "I do now though."

"Well, was it before or after your stunt with the banister?" Keith snapped

"Hey, you liked my stunt!" Lance shot back.

"That was before I knew you were hurt!"

Lance felt a pull at his side and hissed, he looked down, only for Hunk to gently block his vision of his wound.

"Hey, uh, might wanna trust me on this one... Not a good idea to look." He said with a sympathetic smile.

Lance blew out a shaky breath and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

He felt something slide in between his fingers, he looked down and saw Pidge sitting there with a small smile.

"It's not as scary as it seems," she said, "When I was ten, Matt pushed me out of a tree in our backyard and I needed three stitches in my right knee."

Hunk blew out a laugh. "So what? Like yesterday?"

"Hey!" Pidge snapped.

But Lance was laughing.

"She's right, you're not even going to feel it, Lance," Shiro said.

Lance looked over and frowned at Shiro's smug face.

"How do you know?"

"Because Coran's just about finished on the first one-,"

"What?!" Lance demanded, going to look, but then remembering Hunk's words, he closed his eyes and sunk back against his seat with a groan.

  
"Just a few more tics," Coran said, "Just about finished."

Six stitches later, Coran had secured a tight bandage around Lance's torso to keep them covered.

"You'll need plenty of rest, so get on it." He said, leaning away from Lance.

Lance sat forward, he felt the tingles of sensation returning to his body, and could just make out the uncomfortable tug of the wires holding his skin together.

"Thanks, Coran." Lance said. Though, Lance knew deep down that the rest wouldn't come for a long, long time. 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Lance is gonna be okay, he just doesn't know how much his friends love him yet


End file.
